Listening: Acknowledge Differences

Did you try listening to at least one person, without any judgement? What did you discover? I would love to read your insights.

No two people are alike in terms of their values, beliefs, and experiences. How do these differences alter my listening? Two people watch an event simultaneously. Will they describe the event in the same manner? My description will focus on what I chose to notice in that event and my friend is likely to describe what he chose to observe. Which parts of the event, each one of us chooses to observe will depend upon our likes, dis-likes, values, beliefs and past experiences.

I vividly recall an incident at XLRI Jamshedpur, my management school. Prof E H McGrath scheduled a quiz for the batch of freshers, about 100 of us. We all assembled inside the small auditorium for the quiz. He started chatting with us, with no sign of a quiz. Suddenly we heard loud & wild noises, with the beating of drums and people running. A group of scantily clad tribal people entered from the back door, ran towards the front entrance, carrying objects like spears and sword. The whole incident was over in a matter of 2 or 3 seconds. It was, as if an earthquake had struck. Many of my fellow students started screaming, some jumped out of the window. One of them hid himself in the girls hostel! When things calmed down, and we found all of us safe, Father McGrath, gave us a sheet of paper and asked us to write a FIR on the incident. Once we finished writing, the so called tribal people came in, they were our seniors! They started reading the FIR's each one of us had written. No two FIR's described the incident completely or accurately. Some of the observations were; tribal people have attacked, tribals have come to kill Father McGrath, some saw a tribal girl leading the group while others did not see her, some saw the swords and spears while others did not see, the number of people reported varied from 7 to 20 etc... And we learnt a life long lesson, "What you see may not be the reality."

Now if 100 people can see one incident in different shades, shapes and sizes, imagine what happens when we listen to people speaking. They have their past experiences, values, beliefs, aspirations, and observations, behind what they are saying. Similarly when I listen to this person, I am listening from my values, beliefs, aspirations and experiences. What can I do to listen to this person with intent? Probably listen without any judgement. And also acknowledge the differences in his opinions, views, observations, suggestions, and inferences; and my own thoughts. When I do this what is likely to happen? The other person will feel listened to, speak out more freely, free of the fear of rejection, will become less defensive and communicate openly. When each one of us acknowledge our differences, we create immense possibilities for ourselves.

I invite you to have at least one conversation with your spouse, partner, friend, parents, colleagues, boss, neighbour or even a stranger. Listen without judgement and look out for differences. Acknowledge those differences and carry on with your conversation. Reflect how did that conversation go? What new possibilities did it create for you?