In one of my recent coaching sessions, a key intention which a Career Women created for herself, is that she wants to truly "Listen" to her 18 year old daughter. Such a simple act on the surface! But how many of us have listened in the recent past to the people we spend our lives with; at home, in office or in our neighborhood? In building and nurturing relationships, Listening with an intention to understand what the other person is saying, can transform the relationships and create an upward moving spiral of Joy and Fulfillment.
What does it take for me to "Be Responsible" for understanding what the other person is saying? I have caught myself often with an attitude of "Here I am! Tell me what you have to say." It's as if I am doing a favour to the other person by listening. It is as if the responsibility of a productive conversation is on the person speaking.
Can I change this attitude to; "Here I am! and I want to understand what you are saying." If I listen from this perspective, my process of listening is likely to change. I would probably do one or more of the following things:
1. Seek clarifications by asking questions. And not for testing or challenging the speaker.
2. Paraphrase the key points / ideas, as I have understood; and check if my understanding is correct.
3. Note down key points.
4. Understand the concerns, issues and context of the other person; and then Listen with empathy.
5. Stop evaluating what the person is saying and just listen and try to understand by listening deeply.
6. Stop talking.
And what are the outcomes of such a listening. I am able to truly connect with the other person and get under the skin of what the person wants to convey. I get connected at the level of heart. What do you feel would be the likely outcomes of such a conversation? Who would have won or lost in such a Listening? What "Listening" would the other person have about you, when you start speaking or you meet him/her the next time?
Check it out in your next conversation with your spouse or little one or father / mother, team member or your boss. What happened? What did you create for yourself in that conversation?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Listening: With Respect
I am in a conversation with a senior colleague. He has his laptop open in front of him. His mobile phone close to him. I am also holding my mobile phone. While we are discussing, I can see him steal occasional glances on his laptop screen, which has the Outlook open. A ping on his mobile and he reads the SMS which has just landed. Little later, while continuing to listen, he also responds to an urgent email. These tasks were probably more productive use of time by multitasking, being current with emails and ensuring speed of response, while also trying to listen to me.
But what happened to the listening during this conversation? Did I feel listened to? How did his brain manage this switching over from listening to responding to emails or to reading the SMS? Did he listen to me? Did I feel listened to? Wasn't he saying that his time is more important than my time? or that responding to email was more important than listen to me? Was he demonstrating respect for me and for what I was saying? How do you think this affected my own thoughts and what and how I told him after that?
Do you also find yourself checking your emails or responding to SMS, or taking a phone call, during a conversation, meeting in your office? Do you also listen to your spouse, while also reading a newspaper, with your face hidden?
What is likely to be the end result of such a conversation or a meeting? What could be its long term repercussions on relationships, effectiveness at work, achieving the purpose of the meeting / conversation?
I invite you to listen with intent in your next conversation. Listen to the spoken words, unspoken words, observe the emotions in the person's eyes, notice the facial expressions, notice the changes in posture and be fully present during the conversation. Let the other person(s) present feel respected, by your listening.
But what happened to the listening during this conversation? Did I feel listened to? How did his brain manage this switching over from listening to responding to emails or to reading the SMS? Did he listen to me? Did I feel listened to? Wasn't he saying that his time is more important than my time? or that responding to email was more important than listen to me? Was he demonstrating respect for me and for what I was saying? How do you think this affected my own thoughts and what and how I told him after that?
Do you also find yourself checking your emails or responding to SMS, or taking a phone call, during a conversation, meeting in your office? Do you also listen to your spouse, while also reading a newspaper, with your face hidden?
What is likely to be the end result of such a conversation or a meeting? What could be its long term repercussions on relationships, effectiveness at work, achieving the purpose of the meeting / conversation?
I invite you to listen with intent in your next conversation. Listen to the spoken words, unspoken words, observe the emotions in the person's eyes, notice the facial expressions, notice the changes in posture and be fully present during the conversation. Let the other person(s) present feel respected, by your listening.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Listening: Acknowledge Differences
Did you try listening to at least one person, without any judgement? What did you discover? I would love to read your insights.
No two people are alike in terms of their values, beliefs, and experiences. How do these differences alter my listening? Two people watch an event simultaneously. Will they describe the event in the same manner? My description will focus on what I chose to notice in that event and my friend is likely to describe what he chose to observe. Which parts of the event, each one of us chooses to observe will depend upon our likes, dis-likes, values, beliefs and past experiences.
I vividly recall an incident at XLRI Jamshedpur, my management school. Prof E H McGrath scheduled a quiz for the batch of freshers, about 100 of us. We all assembled inside the small auditorium for the quiz. He started chatting with us, with no sign of a quiz. Suddenly we heard loud & wild noises, with the beating of drums and people running. A group of scantily clad tribal people entered from the back door, ran towards the front entrance, carrying objects like spears and sword. The whole incident was over in a matter of 2 or 3 seconds. It was, as if an earthquake had struck. Many of my fellow students started screaming, some jumped out of the window. One of them hid himself in the girls hostel! When things calmed down, and we found all of us safe, Father McGrath, gave us a sheet of paper and asked us to write a FIR on the incident. Once we finished writing, the so called tribal people came in, they were our seniors! They started reading the FIR's each one of us had written. No two FIR's described the incident completely or accurately. Some of the observations were; tribal people have attacked, tribals have come to kill Father McGrath, some saw a tribal girl leading the group while others did not see her, some saw the swords and spears while others did not see, the number of people reported varied from 7 to 20 etc... And we learnt a life long lesson, "What you see may not be the reality."
Now if 100 people can see one incident in different shades, shapes and sizes, imagine what happens when we listen to people speaking. They have their past experiences, values, beliefs, aspirations, and observations, behind what they are saying. Similarly when I listen to this person, I am listening from my values, beliefs, aspirations and experiences. What can I do to listen to this person with intent? Probably listen without any judgement. And also acknowledge the differences in his opinions, views, observations, suggestions, and inferences; and my own thoughts. When I do this what is likely to happen? The other person will feel listened to, speak out more freely, free of the fear of rejection, will become less defensive and communicate openly. When each one of us acknowledge our differences, we create immense possibilities for ourselves.
I invite you to have at least one conversation with your spouse, partner, friend, parents, colleagues, boss, neighbour or even a stranger. Listen without judgement and look out for differences. Acknowledge those differences and carry on with your conversation. Reflect how did that conversation go? What new possibilities did it create for you?
No two people are alike in terms of their values, beliefs, and experiences. How do these differences alter my listening? Two people watch an event simultaneously. Will they describe the event in the same manner? My description will focus on what I chose to notice in that event and my friend is likely to describe what he chose to observe. Which parts of the event, each one of us chooses to observe will depend upon our likes, dis-likes, values, beliefs and past experiences.
I vividly recall an incident at XLRI Jamshedpur, my management school. Prof E H McGrath scheduled a quiz for the batch of freshers, about 100 of us. We all assembled inside the small auditorium for the quiz. He started chatting with us, with no sign of a quiz. Suddenly we heard loud & wild noises, with the beating of drums and people running. A group of scantily clad tribal people entered from the back door, ran towards the front entrance, carrying objects like spears and sword. The whole incident was over in a matter of 2 or 3 seconds. It was, as if an earthquake had struck. Many of my fellow students started screaming, some jumped out of the window. One of them hid himself in the girls hostel! When things calmed down, and we found all of us safe, Father McGrath, gave us a sheet of paper and asked us to write a FIR on the incident. Once we finished writing, the so called tribal people came in, they were our seniors! They started reading the FIR's each one of us had written. No two FIR's described the incident completely or accurately. Some of the observations were; tribal people have attacked, tribals have come to kill Father McGrath, some saw a tribal girl leading the group while others did not see her, some saw the swords and spears while others did not see, the number of people reported varied from 7 to 20 etc... And we learnt a life long lesson, "What you see may not be the reality."
Now if 100 people can see one incident in different shades, shapes and sizes, imagine what happens when we listen to people speaking. They have their past experiences, values, beliefs, aspirations, and observations, behind what they are saying. Similarly when I listen to this person, I am listening from my values, beliefs, aspirations and experiences. What can I do to listen to this person with intent? Probably listen without any judgement. And also acknowledge the differences in his opinions, views, observations, suggestions, and inferences; and my own thoughts. When I do this what is likely to happen? The other person will feel listened to, speak out more freely, free of the fear of rejection, will become less defensive and communicate openly. When each one of us acknowledge our differences, we create immense possibilities for ourselves.
I invite you to have at least one conversation with your spouse, partner, friend, parents, colleagues, boss, neighbour or even a stranger. Listen without judgement and look out for differences. Acknowledge those differences and carry on with your conversation. Reflect how did that conversation go? What new possibilities did it create for you?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Listening: Without Judgement
Most of the time, when we are awake, Listening is one of the five senses, which continuously provides us with sensory inputs. Most part of it is unconscious listening. This may be people talking around me but not to me, people talking to me, traffic noise, constant hum of the Tubelights / fans / Air conditioners, watching television, listening to FM radio at home or while in a car etc... Isn't it amazing that we consciously register only a very small portion of it.
So when I do actually listen to another person, what happens? How do I listen to when I am talking to another human being? What are the thoughts which are coming in, as I listen to the other person? What am I thinking when the other person is speaking? How often do I interrupt my listening while the other person continues to speak to me?
Let's first focus on what is going on inside my mind as I listen to the other person speak to me:
- Judging what the other person is saying: I already know this. This will not work. He / She is at it again. We have tried this before.
- What should be my response?
- I need to interrupt this person and express my views.
When I start judging what the other person is saying, what happens to my listening from that moment onwards? I start juggling between my judgement and trying to see what the other person is saying now. But hold on, I can either be judging or be listening. I am unable to do both simultaneously. And how do I normally judge? I do it by applying the filters of my beliefs, values, and prior experiences. I am actually listening from my past or my being, without recognising that no two people have the same set of beliefs, values and experiences.
So what do I do now? Just Listen with an open mind, without trying to judge or evaluate the other person at the same time. Hey, I am able to better listen and understand the essence of what the other person is saying.
When I listen with an open mind, without judging what the person is saying, but just listen and try to understand, what the person is really trying to tell me, then my anxiety to give an immediate response reduces dramatically.
So what do I do now: Just listen to the other person, with an open mind, listen with intent, listen with my eyes, with my complete presence, what the other person is saying.
And see what happens .... Check it out yourself in your next conversation with your spouse or colleague or customer or your boss.
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