One of the dualities of the coaching process is the interplay between the “Doing” focus with the “Being” dimension of the coachee. A typical coaching session ends normally with a few Requests and an occasional Inquiry. This paper explores, if there is a way in which the coach can facilitate the coachee to accomplish the request, such that the process which is followed by the coachee for its completion, can transform the coachee in a powerful manner. Can this doingness of completing the request be synergised with the beingness of the coachee? Would this have a meaningful and significant impact on the coachee? This paper shares two coaching experiences related to this area.
Case-1: My coaching client Anju[1] was getting coached on improving her relationships with her husband and in-laws. Her husband had already started discussing about a possible divorce, which she did not want. After the requests had been made, I asked the coachee some questions designed to facilitate the coachee to choose what she would like to “be” while doing the task. Some key questions were:
a) During the process of completing this request / action, which value(s) would you like to exercise?
b) What would you like to “be” while you do this?
Over a period of 3 coaching sessions, she consistently chose to exercise the value of Peacefulness while doing the action. During this period, as I followed up on her progress on the requests, the insights she was creating were amazing and powerful. Some of these gems from her were; a) I realised my husband is not a liar, b) He cares about me and I sense it when I am peaceful, and c) When I change, my external environment changes.
Case-2: Another coachee of mine, wanted to practice “Listening with positive intent,” without making efforts to agree or disagree with her colleagues at work. When I asked her, that in the process of this listening what she would like to be, she said that she would like to do it “Responsibly.” I further asked her to share, what would be the outcomes she would like to create from such conversations which she has, while exercising her value of being responsible. She explained that her interpretation of being responsible in this context was to not get involved in office politics, not to judge or evaluate what the person is saying, not try to change their views and in case she finds something of value to her, she would try to absorb that part.
The outcomes shared by her next week was that; a) the headaches she was experiencing have vanished, b) Two more of her colleagues came over to speak to her, and c) she felt relaxed and peaceful. I also checked with her if she had accessed and used the value of being Responsible while engaged in such conversations, which she confirmed that she had done consciously.
I was left wondering as to whether the results would have been different, had I not asked the next question, which facilitated the coachee to choose one of their values, which they would exercise in the process of doing the request / action. My hypothesis is that the results would not have been as powerful and deeper. Three specific lessons out of this experience are highlighted below:
1. Doing and Being as two inseparable sides of a coin: One of the questions which came to me was, had I not asked that question, what values or state of being, the coachee would have exercised, wouldn’t the coachee anyway be in some state of being, while doing that task? If yes, then what difference did articulating and choosing what they wanted to be while doing it, make to the quality of the result?
In the former case, the state of being would most likely have been dictated by the state of mind of the coachee at the moment, she was just before the start of the action. And that state would have perhaps be the result of the events she went through earlier during the day. This state the coachee would not have chosen consciously nor be aware of, but still existing at that moment and powerfully affecting the process of doing the task and the outcomes. By enabling the coachee to consciously choose the state of being, and connect herself to it, the whole context of the doingness would have undergone a transformation. This I believe had a profound effect on the outcomes.
So the key insight for me is that doing always occurs with a specific state of being. What the coach can facilitate is to get the coachee to choose and articulate that state during the coaching session and the coachee to access and exercise that beingness in real life, when working on the requests.
2. Higher chances that the outcomes are likely to be aligned with Life Purpose: When the doingness is anchored in a state of beingness, which itself is aligned with one or more values of the coachee, the probability of the outcomes furthering the cause of fulfilling the Life Purpose would be much higher. The coachee derives comfort from the fact that he / she is anchored in their values while doing a specific task or taking a particular action. This is likely to create a higher degree of detachment with specific and wanted outcomes; and enable the coachee to do the task with a higher degree of openness, without too attached to the outcomes. And I presume this comfort comes from the sense that if I am rooted in my values while taking an action, I need not have anxiety about the results. If that be so, the actions and the results are likely to be in alignment with the Life Purpose.
3. More fulfilment in life: The coachee by being connected, conscious and aware about the values and life purpose is likely to exercise his / her values in other situations as well. This really means that coachee would start aligning his / her life more closely to their values. It is about living a life in alignment with my values, leveraging my gifts and talents and moving towards fulfilling the Life Purpose.
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